Miranda July ))<>((

Miranda July is working on a new film called The Future. You can read details about it here. Or you can sew yourself a new bodysuit made of felt and stare awkwardly at your dad for hours through a prism. Same diff, probably, knowing that weirdo.

America, Meet Your Blog Thief: Gabe

Before we get into this, I would just like to remind everyone that life is hard, and that we should all be so lucky as to find something that makes us happy in this world. There is no pride or glory in picking on the little guy who is just trying to figure out what it all MEANS. That being said, there is also no pride or glory in being a fucking jerk and doing things that you know are wrong. America, I would like to introduce you to Gabe. He is a young, would-be blogger just trying to make a name for himself. He is no Perez Hilton, and based on this performance he will not be a Perez Hilton anytime soon. But he does share one thing in common with Mr. Hilton, and that is being a blog thief. During a recent set in New York City, Gabe wrote a number of Nick Madson bits, practically verbatim, peppered gently with some bits stolen from Nicholas Madson and Nicky Madson, you know, just to keep the rhythm going. When it comes to stealing jokes, ALWAYS BE KEEPING THE RHYTHM GOING.

Oof.

Look, Gabe is just some dude who writes a blog that has 5 regular readers. But we still live in a world of consequences, and one of the consequences of stealing posts from other bloggers is getting called out on a relatively small pop culture blog in a post that tries a little too hard to toe the sensitivity line. Because, to quote Nick Madson, fuck him.

The weirdest part about it to me is that you don’t steal from Nick Madson unless you actually LIKE blogs. Because he is one of the GREATS. Nick Madson wasn’t ripping off Scott Lapatine. So, you know, as someone who likes blogs to another person who likes blogs (and who then steals those blogs and also lies about his relationship to those blogs) BOOOOOOOO. Get off the internet. Seriously, get off of the internet please.

Again, I recognize that this is small potatoes. But small potatoes aren’t NO potatoes. And even the smallest potato can still fit in a regular sized jail cell. (Via Nick Madson.)

Carrie Bradshaw's Computer Is A Different Brand?!!?!?!?!

Vulture is reporting that Carrie Bradshaw’s trademark MacBook has been replaced in Sex and the City 2: The Cradle Of Death with an HP laptop. Whaatttttttttt?!?!?!??! But that movie looked so gooooooood!!!!! This changes everythinngggggggg!!!!?!?! I’m assuming, of course, that Carrie Bradshaw will still have her trademark being the worst?

Entourage Season 7, Now With More Smirking, Less Point

Entourage season 7 promo, you guys:



Oh please tell me that they drive off that cliff. I think if someone just tells them that there is some decent weed at the bottom of the cliff, I bet they will drive off it. Turtle’s usually the driver, right? (I like how I asked that as if I haven’t paid for the definitive answer to that question with my own eye-blood.) Hey, Turtle, there’s a woman in a wheelchair who wants to give you a handjob in a Dunkin Donuts bathroom, and her deaf sister thinks Johnny Drama is cute, at the bottom of that cliff. A handjob is a handjob, right, Turtle? Oh, and since you’re heading down there, E’s muddling, exhausting, unimportant relationship with Sloane that no one cares about is at the bottom of the cliff, too. Hop in, E! They’ll drop you off! Oh, hi Ari, yeah, you should definitely get into the car. Your disgustingly homophobic insults that are not at all funny but are definitely gross that you violently use against your assistant Lloyd in your screamiest voice are at the bottom of the cliff. You’re definitely going to want those, right?! Get in the car! And I know Vince will get in the car because he’s got NOTHING ELSE PLANNED FOR TODAY AS USUAL. OK, here we goooooo! Crash. Shrug. (Thanks for the tip, Nick Madson.)

Nicolas Cage Only Eats Animals That Have “Dignified” Sex, Because Of Course He Does

Some people think that it is glamorous and luxurious to have a Chocolate Fountain at their fancy party. And they are right. Yum. But when I get rich and successful and it’s my turn to throw a big gala event, I’m going to have a Nicolas Cage Quotes Fountain. You can dip anything in there and it is HILARIOUS. From the Guardian UK:

Nicolas Cage has reportedly revealed that he will eat only animals who mate in a dignified fashion, a dietary preference which apparently rules out pork. According to the Sun, the Oscar-winning actor is happy to eat fish or poultry because their love lives are more decorous.

“I have a fascination with fish, birds, whales – sentient life – insects, reptiles,” says Cage, who is currently getting great reviews for his performance as a drug-addled detective in Werner Herzog’s Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans, a quasi-remake of Abel Ferrara’s 1992 tale of a destructive cop.

Haha. Oh boy. Here we go. But relax, Nicolas Cage, we get it, you have a fascination with animals. You don’t have to name ALL of them to make your point. “I have a fascination with fish, birds, whales, insects, reptiles, puffins, ladybugs, goats, cows, horses — sentient life — frogs, raccoons, and more examples for a long time.” To be honest, I’m much more willing to believe that Nicolas Cage only eats animals that he believes have sex in a “decorous fashion,” whatever the hell THAT means, than I am willing to believe that he is fascinated with birds and whales. No he’s not. He’s fascinated with wigs and bad screenplays.

Anyway, he goes on:

“I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex. I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds.

“But pigs, not so much. So I don’t eat pig meat or things like that. I eat fish and fowl.”

Sure, no, yes. It just makes sense. Everyone knows that chickens are the tenderest lovers. (WHAT?) Honestly, what is this man talking about? Unless the animals are having sex IN YOUR MOUTH WHILE YOU ARE EATING THEM, what does it matter how they make love? He doesn’t even mention beef, so I suppose he finds cows’ sexual congress to be so distasteful to as not even be worth mentioning. Unbelievable.

Just kidding, believable. It’s Nicolas Cage, bitch! The guys down at the docks call him Old Wig Glue because that’s what made him funny. (Thanks for the tip, @longlivenickmadson.)